The Real Story Of The Founders
by BethanyWrites
Summary: So, you thought that the founding of Hogwarts was all nobel and serious... guess again! Here's the real story!  A parody not to be taken seriously!   One-shot


"_Mummy," Rose Weasley said, sitting on her mother's knee. "Can you tell us the story of Hogwarts?"_

"_Yeah Mum," Hugo said, putting down his toy broom to join his sister at his mother's side. "You've never told us before."_

"_That's because you both already have copies of Hogwarts, A History."_

"_Oh come on Hermione, no one reads that great hulking book but you. Just tell the kids the story," Rose's father said from the other room._

"_Be quiet Ron," Hermione replied fondly._

"_So will you tell us?" Rose asked._

"_Please?" Hugo begged._

"_Fine," Hermione said. "Well, you both know that Salazar Slytherin could talk to snakes, and that's why the Slytherin's symbol is a snake. Well, Helga Hufflepuff bred badgers, and Rowena Ravenclaw had a pet raven."_

"_And did Godric Gryffindor have a lion?" Hugo asked._

"_Yes," Hermione answered. "Godric actually owned an entire zoo, which is how him and Helga met. Helga was looking for someone to watch her badgers while she had a spa weekend with Rowena, and found Godric. While the two ladies were at their spa in Queens, and Godric was watching the badgers, Salazar was out Muggle hunting. He happened to find Rowena and Helga while they were at the Muggle spa. He tried to kill them, but when he realized that they were witched, he apologized and introduced himself._

_When Helga and Rowena went back for the badgers, Salazar decided to tag along, since he had always wanted to see a badger. When Godric came out to greet them, they knew at once that they could be great together and decided to start a school. _

_After Salazar killed his parents to take over their family castle, the four of them moved in and named the school Hogwarts, in memory of Salazar's fat father and ugly mother. Next, they had to decide on houses and such."_

"I think that we should teach the art of skinning Muggles alive," Salazar said.

"No no, that's much too harsh for eleven year olds," Rowena argued.

"Perhaps as a seventh year elective, then?"

"I think that we need to decide on who goes into which house first," Helga said. "I guess that we could always just let the students pick which animal is their favorite."

"But I don't want any bloody gingers in my house," Salazar growled. "Give the fire crotches to Helga."

"No way," Helga protested. "Give them to Godric, he's the one who's sleeping."

"Hmm? What? It's not Wizard Weed, I swear," Godric mumbled. "Did someone say m' name?" His bleary eyes peered up over his arms. While people were under the illusion that the Founding Four were old, wise, powerful witches and wizards, they were really just a bunch of teens who were tired of learning magic from their parents. Or in Godric's case, Puff the Magic Dragon. Plus, what else was a drafty old castle good for other than torturing unsuspecting students?

"Go to sleep God," Helga said. She rolled her eyes and summoned a piece of parchment. Godric put his head back down. "Okay, so the four houses will be Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw. The gingers and the sleepy ones will go to Gryffindor."

"We'll give him the rowdy ones too," Rowena said. "I don't want any brats in my house. I like 'em smart and slutty."

"So you get all the Asians," Helga agreed, writing it down. "What about you, Salazar?"

"I only want people like me in my house. Stunningly handsome, rich, and very powerful," he said.

"Got it." Helga wrote something down. Rowena looked over her shoulder and laughed.

"What did you write?" Salazar whined.

"That Hufflepuffs will get all the misfits," Helga said briskly. Salazar grabbed the paper and scowled.

"Change it!" he exclaimed.

Helga transfigured the paper into stone. "Sorry, can't, written in stone and all. Moving on."

"_And what people go to Slytherin?" Rose asked her mother eagerly._

"_The bloody arrogant, snobby, good-for-nothing, sneaky little toe rags like Malfoy!" Ron answered._

"_Ronald," Hermione chided, "don't swear in front of the children!"_

After the four of them had figured out the core subjects; Potions, Charms, Defense Against Salazar, History of Magic, Transfiguration, Herbology, and Astrology, they had to decide on electives. They all agreed on Current Runes, Care of Magical Creatures, Arithmacy, and Divination, but Salazar disagreed about a course involving Muggles.

"It should be Muggle Hunting!" Salazar insisted.

"No, Muggle Studies would be more appropriate, I think," Rowena replied. "There aren't even any Muggles around here!"

"Field trips then!"

"Come on, think of the Muggleborns. How would they feel if we killed their mum and dad during an exam?" Helga asked.

"We're not letting Mudbloods into this school!" Salazar exclaimed.

"Are," Godric argued sleepily.

"Why-? You all-! I'm so-!" Salazar paused and took a deep breath. "You know what? I'm completely calm. I'm going to go out and buy some chickens. And a toad. You can carry on decorating the castle and such," he said, leaving the room.

"Thank Merlin," Rowena said. "That went better than expected. I thought that he was going to shit a hippogriff."

And so Salazar left the starting of the school up to the other three. They put moving picture frames and hidden passageways all through the castle, and installed a bowling alley in the teacher's lounge, as well as a hidden swimming pool. They hired a professor for each subject and soon, students started arriving.

Each student was sorted by the Test of Trolls, in which the first years had to fight a troll, eat a jar of mayonnaise, and show all of the teachers the color of their hair. The test was done away with after too many children died, so Rowena enchanted an old hat to take the place of the test. It was a bit like a virtual reality helmet.

Ghosts began showing up at Hogwarts, compliments of Salazar, and Godric stumbled upon a large room full of fornicating house elves, which he and the others began using to keep the castle running. The school became very successful. New spells were created in DAS, new medical potions were developed in Potions and Herbology, and as a nasty Transfiguration mistake, the Giant Squid came to be in the Black Lake.

Finally, when Helga, Godric, and Rowena were all old and ready to retire, Salazar returned. However, he wasn't the friendly bastard he used to be. He spent all of his time locked up in a girl's bathroom until the day of Godric's, Helga's, and Rowena's retirement. Salazar was to retire with them.

At the party, the three of them happily chatted while Salazar sulked in the corner, hissing at something in his pocket. Rowena tried to seduce him into joining the party, but he refused. Finally, at the end of the party, when the others were good and drunk, he spoke.

"Dear friends, something has been troubling me for a good time now," he said. "I think that before we leave the school, we should reconsider killing all of the Mudbloods."

"Now dearie," Helga said, hiccupping, "you know that we can't do that. They're so cute, the little imps."

"Fine! Then I shall hide a beast away in a chamber, and it will come out to purge the school! Hide yo Mudbloods, hide yo badgers, hide yo ravens and hide yo lions, because he be killin' ev'ryone all up in here!" Salazar yelled. He jumped up and teleported, inventing Apparation on the spot.

"Who knew that he had suck a mean streak?" Godric asked. "So much killing! He seemed like such a kind-hearted person!"

"I know! And he could be thrown in Azkaban for hurting a badger!"

"_And so Helga, Godric, and Rowena searched for both Salazar and the beast, but neither was ever found," Hermione said. Hugo yawned, and she looked at the clock. "Oh dear, it's time for bed! You two go get ready for bed. Me and your father will be right up."_

"_Yes Mum," Hugo and Rose said, dashing up the stairs. Ron came over and hugged Hermione._

"_When they go to Hogwarts and fail their History of Magic exam, you have nothing but yourself to blame," he said, kissing Hermione's cheek._

"_I know," she replied, giggling. "But that's what they get for not reading it themselves."_

Rowena woke up suddenly. She turned and shook Godric awake. "What?" he mumbled, pulling a pillow over his head.

"I just had the strangest dream. It was of a witch telling her children about our story," Rowena said.

"What do you expect? We're in the history books," Helga muttered from her other side. Her voice was muffled because of the Snoring Charm that Godric had cast on her before they had went to bed.

"I mean the real story," Rowena said nervously.

"Relax. We wrote the books ourselves. I was just a dream," Godric mumbled.

"Oh, alright," Rowena said. She settled back under the covers and tried to relax. But, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake the feeling that somewhere, sometime in the future, that someone would know their story.

* * *

><p>Just a bit of fun. My friend and I were texting about how it all started with a herd of badgers (we may have been poking fun at Hufflepuffs :P ) and I decided to write a story from our ramblings. It's supposed to be funny. It you don't think it is, then don't leave a review. The other site I had this posted to was filled with people who were like <em>OHMEHGAWD WTF RU SMOKING THAT'S NOTHING LYKE DA CANON FOUNDERS...<em> and so I don't need anymore of that. But other than that, I'd like to hear your thoughts!


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